


Baby, Don't Say Don't

by smudged_kohl



Series: Because I Wanted You To Know [2]
Category: Preacher (TV)
Genre: Angst, Developing Relationship, Emotional Baggage, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Survivor Guilt, Tulip's brain won't be quiet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-03
Updated: 2020-03-11
Packaged: 2021-02-22 22:57:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23001757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smudged_kohl/pseuds/smudged_kohl
Summary: Sequel to "Remind Me"Tulip is sure of one thing: she loves Cassidy. The rest isn't so simple.Tulip is filled with angst and confusion, and Cassidy is endlessly there to try and help her through it.
Relationships: Proinsias Cassidy/Tulip O'Hare
Series: Because I Wanted You To Know [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1653049
Comments: 19
Kudos: 16





	1. But my thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth

It had been exactly two weeks since that drunken night at that bar when Tulip first told him she loved him. Since then they had been clumsily attempting to find ground in their relationship. They were both happy, that was clear. But there was so much shit in the way. 

So far, all they’ve been up to is the normal type of stuff you get into when you’re in a new relationship. Their hands rarely leave each other when they’re in the same room. Tulip comes to find out that Cassidy likes kissing more than any man she’s ever been with before. They spend hours lying in bed, cycling between staring into each other's eyes and kissing. She’s pretty sure they’d never actually have sex if she didn’t push for them to go further. 

But the sex is so good she can't help her self. It's hot and rough when she's in control, and it is the polar opposite when he is. Cassidy likes to call it "making love", and even though she rolls her eyes every time he does, she's pretty sure that's what she'd call it too. Tulip has never "made love" like this in her life. 

Jesse had liked sex the same way she does. With choking and slapping and destroyed hotel rooms. But he didn’t seem to notice or care if Tulip actually got off too. She often had to reach her hand down between her own legs if she actually wanted to feel satisfied. Viktor had liked the type of sex Tulip had seen the few times she’d watched porn. He talked dirty in her ear, told her to do things to him while he called her names that made her feel sick to her stomach. She didn’t have a single real orgasm during the entirety of that short-lived marriage. 

But Cassidy was something entirely different. He was so attentive and giving. He seemed to get off on getting her off. She's pretty sure she has cum more times in their short time together than in both her other relationships combined. But the thing that really got to her was the way he stared at her during it. He constantly looked as though he was terrified that this would be the last time he would get to see her like this. Like he was trying to burn the image of her body into his mind. And even though he was great at talking dirty when she asked him too, when left to his own devices he opted for using only one word, beautiful. Over and over he'd mutter it between moans and whines. And no matter how many times she heard it, her heart still fluttered at the sound. Because he said it so convincingly she wouldn't dare doubt its truth. 

In those moments, everything felt perfect. She felt happier then she had in years. But that feeling was always short-lived because her conscience never disappeared for too long. Tulip felt exhausted from the amount of mental gymnastics she went through in a day. She’d spend hours in her mind trying to figure out ways to make this work. Her brain rarely cooperated. Instead, it ridiculed her, calling her a traitor, a cheater, screaming Jesse’s name at her endlessly. 

Sometimes her guilt felt so strong she’d become physically sick. Running to the bathroom to puke became a regular part of her work out routine. Cassidy would always follow close behind her, stroking her back as she vomited. And while part of her wanted his touch, needed it to help her release all the pain, the other part of her, the guilt-ridden part, made her feel even more nauseous. She wishes she was just allowed to love Cassidy. She wishes it wasn’t this complicated. 

Somehow, the fact that Cassidy was a vampire, was the least of her worries. But it was a worry nonetheless. She often would forget about it entirely until he’d sheepishly ask her if she was up for a blood run. Tulip used to be pretty sure she did not want to be a vampire, but now she's less sure. She wonders if Jesse’s holier-than-thou values had rubbed off on her at all, and if she was completely free of them, what would she think then? She knows that when she met Cassidy and found out what he was she felt no judgment or disdain. She thought it was badass. But then she saw the look on Jesse’s face after Cassidy revealed himself. How nauseous he looked after he had just left a burnt-to-a-crisp Cassidy alone. Had she not found him that day, he might not have survived. Now when she thinks back, she wonders if she let Jesse convince her that the wrong person was a monster. 

She was also pretty sure she didn’t want to grow old, and grey, and ugly, while her partner remained handsome in his twenties. Tulip had actually never imagined herself growing old at all. She didn’t think it would suit her. There was a period in time with Jesse when the domestic life was something she thought she wanted, but then she lost the baby, and then she lost Jesse, and she realized she hadn’t really wanted that in the first place. She just thought that that was what you were supposed to do. Settle down, have kids, grow old, die. That was not the way Tulip wanted her life to go, not at all. Losing the baby was the worst thing that had happened to her at that point in her life, but it revealed how fake and fragile the lie she and Jesse had tried to convince themselves of was. Neither of them were made for that life. 

No, if Tulip had to die then she wanted to go out in a blaze of fire and bullets, doing something badass. Well, that's what she thought until she found out mortality wasn’t a given. And the same week she found out that vampires exist she found out that heaven and hell exist too. And Tulip was pretty damn certain she knew where she was going when she died. So that left her with one valid option, at least in her mind. 

She had never brought it up to Cassidy. She really has no idea if he would turn her. They had never spoken about it, other then when Jesse was still here and she found out he wouldn’t let Cassidy turn her after she was shot. So she knows he’s at least open to the idea. But the conversation isn’t one she thinks either of them are up to at the moment. 

When she is able to think this clearly everything seemed so easy. 

Jesse was an asshole to her and to Cassidy. Just because he died doesn’t change that. 

Cassidy loves her and she loves him, and she’s allowed to move on. 

And as for the whole vampire thing, why the hell wouldn’t she do it. She could live together with the person she loves, forever, or for at least as long as it takes for them to get bored and go out in some sunlight suicide pact. Maybe they’d even do it in Bimini. 

But then the thoughts come back and the guilt tells her she’s supposed to die so that she can join Jesse, her soulmate. And then she’s back at square one.


	2. When I feel like this...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cassidy's POV.
> 
> Cassidy wants to know what's going on in Tulip's head and take her pain away, but Tulip doesn't seem to want to talk and he's terrified to scare her away and risk losing her forever.

Sometimes Cassidy feels like he’s living with two different people. There's the person he makes love to every night, who he holds in his arms while she nuzzles into his neck and whispers that she loves him. And then there's the person he wakes up to most mornings, who sits up in bed staring off, deep in thought. The person who pushes him away if he tries to kiss her or talk to her. 

He knows he needs to say something, he knows its not fair to either of them to live like this. But he also knows that every night she’ll come back to him, either by crying in his arms and asking him to kiss her or by sitting on his lap and telling him to take off his clothes. No matter how cold she can be to him during the day, she still feels warm in their bed every night.

And he’s terrified to lose that.

Cassidy had been alone for a long time. When he met Jesse and Tulip he thought he wasn’t alone anymore. But really, he was just a new type of alone because when he watched them together, laughing and kissing, he felt so much more lonely than he ever had in his 120 years of life.

Cassidy doesn’t feel alone anymore.

And, sometimes when Cassidy lets himself be optimistic, he actually feels happy. When he looks at his life with rose-colored glasses, it fills his old, beaten up heart with light. But Cassidy isn’t an idiot. He knows that when he lets himself get too comfortable, too happy, that's when life throws the worst shit at him. But when he and Tulip are making love, or kissing, or even just laying in the same bed, he wants to duct-tape his rose-colored glasses to his face so that they can never fall off.

But no matter how much he wishes he could, Cassidy can’t ignore the fact that Tulip becomes visibly uncomfortable whenever he slips up and says things along the lines of him being so happy they’re finally together, or that he knew they belonged together.

And he gets it. He feels like an asshole when things like that slip out of his mouth because he knows that it immediately brings the unspoken word "JESSE" into both of their minds.

Cassidy knows Jesse is still in her thoughts daily even without him accidentally bringing it up, and he would never blame her for that. Jesse is often in his thoughts too. But it doesn’t hurt him any less to know that Tulip will always be guilty about them being together, she will always feel like she owes Jesse something. It breaks his heart because no one should ever feel guilty about being apart of something as beautiful as love. He wants her to be able to be as happy as he is, but he understands why she feels like she can’t. He just hopes one day she will be able to.

He knows that Jesse was Tulip’s soulmate. Cassidy isn’t sure what that makes him, but he knows that he and Tulip were meant to find each other, eventually. Maybe people can have more than one soul mate, he wonders. Or maybe the whole vampire thing means he doesn’t have a soul and was an exception to the rule.

He really didn’t care either way, because he finally had Tulip, and she had him. 

But today she’s being especially distant. She’s been puking a lot recently, even more than their normal standard for alcohol-induced puking. Usually, he can tell when it's going to happen. When he sees her face turn pale during one of her sessions of quiet contemplation, she always leaves the door open behind her, knowing he’s on her heel, ready to take care of her. But today as she entered the bathroom, preparing to clear her stomach of the Shawarma she’d had for lunch, she slammed the door behind her. He’s not sure if she was aware that she was slamming it in his face, he tries to convince himself she wasn’t. But then when he knocks on the door to ask if she’s alright she responds coldly with an “I’m fine, Cassidy.”. He doesn’t remember the last time she’d used his full name and it hit him like a punch in the gut.

He knew they needed to finally talk. 

He anxiously sat on the edge of the bed, his heart pounding as he heard Tulip stop puking and turn on the tap to brush her teeth. He was absolutely dreading this conversation. He just prayed to God it wouldn’t ruin what they had. But Cassidy had met God, and the guy was an asshole. 

Tulip exited the bathroom, toothbrush still in her mouth. She ripped her shirt off and rummaged through a duffle bag containing their clothes. She pulled on an oversized teeshirt that they shared, which on him sat around his hips, but on her was dress-length, and then shimmied out of her pants. Cassidy’s heart skipped a beat as he took in the appearance of the woman he loved, absolutely dreading what he had to do next.

He sighed loud enough to get her attention. Her eyes met his. And despite their warm amber color, they looked so cold. 

Cassidy pushed on, fighting all of his biological responses that were telling him to stop. He clears his throat, preparing to talk.

“Don’t” is all she says, now holding her toothbrush in her hand, toothpaste lining the corner of her mouth.

“Come on Tulip, can we talk please,” he basically whisperers the words.

“I said don’t Cassidy, I'm really not in the mood.” She says the words without looking at him, turning her back on him to walk to the bathroom and finish brushing her teeth.

He gets up to follow her, hoping that putting some closeness between them might help her ease up a bit. 

He’s standing behind her now, staring at her reflection in the mirror as she puts on her face cream and finishes getting ready for bed. 

“Tulip,” is all he says, but he tries to force all of the love he feels for her into the word, hoping she’ll feel it. 

And it must have some effect because her eyes flick up to meet his. And a familiar softness has returned to them. 

They stay like that for a minute. Staring at each other through the mirror. Eventually, Tulip sighs and slowly turns to face him. She places her head on his chest and silently wraps her arms around his frame.

He feels himself release all the tension he’d been holding in his body with that. And he wishes he could just leave it at this. He has his Tulip back and they could go to bed right now and make love, but he’s so tired of the daily flip-flopping, and he knows he has to push a bit further. 

He places his hands on her shoulders and puts some space between them, looking into her eyes. Quietly asking her what's going on, without actually saying the words.

He’s thankful that her eyes are still soft as they meet his. But there are tears there now. She gives him a small, painful smile. Before sighing again and moving to sit down on the edge of the bathtub. He joins her and places his hand on her thigh.

“So I guess you want to talk, huh,” she lets out a sad sounding chuckle as she says it, opting for looking at the ground and not him.

“I think we both know we need to,” he says as reassuringly as possible.

Tulip sighs once more. Putting her hands to her temples the way she does whenever she’s stressed.

“I guess you want me to start too?” she looks at him now, the corners of her lips quirking ever so slightly. 

“I think that’s best, I mean, if you’re ready” he grabs her hand as he says it.

“Okay, well... shit,” she seemingly exhales all the air from her body. Pausing for a second to gather her thoughts.

“Well I guess, the thing is… I’ve never really had to think about a life that wasn’t with Jesse…” she says the words so quietly he can barely hear them. Tears start falling down her cheeks and Cassidy has to force himself not to wipe them away, not wanting to scare Tulip out of her stream of thoughts.

“there was Viktor, but I never considered that permanent, or real… I always knew I’d be back with Jesse eventually.” She half sighs, half sobs as she says that last part.

He wishes his stupid selfish heart would stop hurting every time she says Jesse’s name. 

“I just- what is a person supposed to do when they realize their soulmate wasn’t really their soulmate?” Her brows furrow as she says the words. 

“Fuck, I feel so guilty even saying that. But I was so young when I met Jesse, I don’t think what we had was healthy, I was never even given a chance to figure out what I liked, or who I was attracted to, it was only ever Jesse-” she’s talking faster now, the words spilling from her mouth as she concentrates on the floor tiles.

“And then I met you and you showed me this entirely different feeling, and I realized what I had with Jesse was so… abusive, I guess, and it wasn’t his fault either, it was both of us…” she trails off, her mind seemingly going faster than her mouth.

She stays quiet for a second.

“I’m so fucking sorry,” she’s full-on sobbing now.

And Cassidy can’t help himself any longer, as he moves to wrap his arms around her. He pulls them gently onto the floor of the bathroom and rests her head on his chest. 

“No, no, no,” he mutters as he pets her hair, “please don’t be sorry, you have nothing to be sorry for, love,”

“Yes I do, I really do Cass,” she speaks between sobs “I’ve been treating you like shit, you don’t deserve it I’m so sorry, you really don’t deserve any of this, I just have this feeling inside me that won't let me be happy... I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to leave, I-” she moves to get off him as she says the words, but he just wraps his arms around her tighter, pulling her back into his chest.

“No,” he says the word so firmly he surprises himself, “don’t you ever say that.”

She doesn’t respond, just quietly cries into his shoulder, seeming to have given up her attempt to get away, opting to just lay there and listen to him.

“My life before you Tulip… it was empty.” He says the words just loud enough that she can hear. “You’ve made me feel something I haven’t felt, well, maybe ever,” he touches her cheek, forcing her to look up into his eyes,

“I will never, and I mean ever, leave you, Tulip, even if you wanted me to,” he says smiling slightly, hoping to take her pain away, “you’re stuck with me now.” 

And with that, he achieves his goal because she lets out a quiet laugh.

She’s not crying anymore, just staring into his eyes.

“I think the only thing I'm certain of" she finally whispers to him, 

"is the fact that I love you.” the sadness is still in her eyes as she speaks, but the ghost of a smile is forming on her lips.

His heart feels so full at the words and he silently basks in the moment before responding.

"So maybe nothing else matters," he says hating the hopeful inflection he hears in his voice.

"Maybe not." she says smiling, as she extends her neck to kiss him.


	3. If there's a Lord, make her a woman...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tulip POV.  
> Tulip finally works through her guilt the only way she knows how.

Tulip knew she had to sort her shit out. She was tired of feeling like shit, tired of the daily mental agony, and most of all she was tired of hurting the person she loved. She needed to do it for Cassidy.

So, after some mind-blowing morning sex, she told him she’d be gone for most of the day. The ever-doting puppy he was, he offered to come along, but she made up a lie about having to see an old friend. She rolled her eyes at the disappointed look on his face but secretly it made her chest feel slightly heavy, and she had to fight herself to not give in to him. But she stuck to her guns and told him to suck it up, kissing him as she left the motel. 

She drove around the new city they had found themselves in after their last job, looking for the perfect spot. An empty field, an abandoned building, a deserted body of water, basically anywhere she could park her car and not be disturbed for a few hours. Eventually, she came upon a small pond surrounded by grass and trees. She had brought a six-pack, a pack of cigarettes, and a pistol. She was going to sort this shit through, Tulip-style. 

She parked her car by the water and hopped outside. It was mid-afternoon and her tank top was drenched in sweat at this point so she decided to leave her leather jacket in the car. She started off by chugging a beer, emptying it and setting it up on the wooden fence that lined the pond, creating a makeshift firing range. She did this two more times, deciding she should probably stop there so that she’d actually be able to drive her self back to the motel and be able to actually think through her thoughts at least semi-coherently. 

She walked back to stand beside her car, lighting a cigarette as she observed her targets. She smiled to herself and loaded her pistol. 

“Alright Tulip O’Hare, let’s do this”, she said aloud as she aimed her gun at the first target. 

The feeling of the shot firing gave her body a bigger high than weed or booze ever could. She decided to save the last two targets, and moved to take a seat on the hood of her car, something she’d never let another soul see her do, just in case it gave them the idea that they were allowed to do the same.

She sighed, popping open a final beer to sit and sip on as she got to thinking.

And as she sat there sitting on her car, sipping beer, looking out over the water, all she could think was that she wished Cassidy was there with her. And with that, she shot the second can.

She exhaled, and her brain felt so clear and her body so calm. She loved Cassidy. She wanted to be with Cassidy. 

Okay then, well that settles that. What’s next?

Jesse.

The name echoed in her head, bouncing around her skull violently enough to give her a headache. 

She was so tired of it. So tired of the guilt. So tired of feeling like she was doing something wrong. She forced herself to remember. Remember everything, Jesse leaving her, Jesse choosing God over her, Jesse treating Cassidy like a piece of garbage-

“Asshole!” she shouted aloud.

She realized what she’d done and quickly looked around to ensure she was totally alone before laughing to herself.

“Fucking asshole!” She shouted again, with a bit of uncertainty this time.

She laughed again at herself. She knew if anyone saw her doing this they’d think she was psycho, but it felt so good to say the words out loud. 

“You abandoned me! More than once-” she screamed into the empty space that lingered over the pond.

But she didn’t laugh this time, instead, she felt tears well in her eyes.

“You never cared about what I wanted, or who I wanted to be”

She threw her beer down then and took her pistol in both hands aiming at the final target. Her face scrunched up with anger and she screamed as she fired, knocking the metal can off the post.

“I deserve to be happy!” 

The tears fell past her eyelids and cascaded down her cheeks, her voice cracked with the words but the power behind them was still audible.

And then she breathed.

And finally, she smiled. A serene smile that just barely reached her tear-filled eyes.

She stayed at the pond for a couple more hours. Her brain was the clearest it had been in almost two years. But she also knew that the guilt could return at any time, so she set to making a game plan. Because she needed to fix this. For her, and for Cassidy. 

For us, she thought.


	4. If there's an angel, let him have fallen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cassidy POV.
> 
> Cassidy and Tulip begin a beautiful new chapter in their lives, together.

Cassidy noticed a change in Tulip. 

She was trying. Trying so hard to fight her anger and sadness.

He hadn’t woken up to a zoned-out Tulip in months. He no longer felt like he was living with two people, he was living with his Tulip. It wasn’t perfect 100% of the time. She still cried and wanted to be alone sometimes. He understood that.

But if she did ever snap at him she’d immediately find him afterward, a sorry look on her face. She’d wrap her tiny arms around his torso and whisper apologies so quietly they just reached his ear. But he heard them nonetheless.

And she stopped needing so much alone time. They started doing things during the day. Constantly going out to eat, going shopping for new clothes and gear, going to the shooting range. 

They started doing jobs only when they needed to, opting to stay in and watch movies when they didn’t. 

Cassidy remembers the day she suggested they get an apartment together. He had laughed at her and been incredibly confused when she didn’t laugh back. 

“An apartment? Like, sign a lease type apartment?” His eyebrow raised halfway up his forehead as he said the words like they were in a foreign language.

“Yes, Cassidy is that really such a crazy thought?” She said his full name sarcastically, the way she always did when she was pissed off.

She was staring at him with her hand on her hip and an annoyed look on her face.

“You know I’ve never actually signed a lease, in all my years, somehow never happened…” he trailed off trying to imagine what it would be like to be stuck in one place for a minimum of a year.

“Well, I mean it just makes sense, like logistically, but like I don’t care-” she said in the voice she put on when she was trying to sound like she didn’t really care about something but in reality she actually cared, quite a lot.

“You know I’m sure Denis’ place is still empty… I mean if you’re comfortable going back there” 

She stared at him for a while and for a second he was scared that he’d fucked up, but then she squinted her eyes as if imagining it in her head and smiled and nodded.

“I think that’s a great idea, Cass”

So, they moved back to New Orleans. And despite all of their shared terrible history there, it felt like a fresh start. 

And slowly but surely their relationship became something legitimate, something real. Cassidy felt their love blossom into something pure and palpable. Something separate of guilt and shame, separate from their messy past. 

Cassidy remembers the first time Tulip kissed him in public. They were at a diner getting some breakfast. Initially, Tulip had sat across from him in the booth. They both ordered pancakes.

“-and can I get whipped cream on top, an’ chocolate chips. A lot.” Tulip said, staring into the waitress’ eyes with a level of intensity that did not allude to a simple breakfast order.

Cassidy laughed as the waitress gave Tulip an uncertain nod and turned on her heels to go place their order. 

“What? They never put enough on,” Tulip says matter of factly.

“You’re a very special person, love” he can't help but contain the massive grin that spreads across his face as he tells her.

She blushes ever so slightly and looks away, rolling her eyes. Cassidy loved the juxtaposition between Tulip’s personality traits. All at once she was confident, demanding, aggressive, but also soft, insecure and child-like. He saw it that first night when the woman that beat the shit out of him and threw him out a window became the same woman who held him in the backseat praying to god to save his life and obliging him with a kiss. Its why he fell for her so fast. He’d never met anyone like her before in his long life, and she was finally his. 

And though she had turned away at his words, when she came back from the bathroom she sat on the same side of the booth as him.

The waitress brought them their pancakes and Tulip eyed hers, checking to make sure there was a satisfactory mountain of whipped cream. Seemingly satisfied she smiled big at the waitress, who in turn looked slightly terrified. 

Cassidy just sighed contently, his heart feeling so full for the terrifying sugar-obsessed woman sitting beside him.

Tulip must have heard because she turned to him with a knowing face as the waitress left. 

“What’re you so happy about, huh?” she jokingly poked him in the side.

“I love this” he quietly said while looking into her eyes.

She didn’t respond, just leaned in to kiss him. A slow, innocent kiss. Cassidy hadn’t taken Tulip to be the type to enjoy PDA, but this wasn’t obscene in any way. It was the type of kiss you see couples give each other constantly. Sweet and reassuring. 

He repeats the word “couple” in his head a few times before pulling himself back to reality.

After they pull away from each other Tulip sets to eating her pancakes and he takes the moment to take the woman in. He’s proud of himself for being able to look at her without feeling like he’s going to vomit, but he still feels his pulse quicken and his heart swell, even now. He forces himself to stop staring and follows her lead as he begins eating his significantly-less decorated pancakes. 

Once he's finished he looks up from his plate to see Tulip quietly staring at him, the corner of her lip turned up slightly. 

“So are we going steady now?” He breaks the silence, echoing the words that he said what felt like a lifetime ago. 

Tulip’s face erupts into a smile so big it makes Cassidy’s heart grow along with it.

“Even better,” she leans in to him and she whispers the words, 

“we’re in love”.


End file.
